Guest post by Darryl Nyznyk, author of Mary’s Son: A Tale of
Christmas.
(Take a look below for contest details!)
Raising Givers
My wife and I raised four daughters through school day
traumas of isolation, rejection, ostracism and dissociation, and bullying.
While none of our daughters were on the receiving end of all of these hateful practices, each experienced one or more
personally, and each saw them foisted upon others. It was our duty, as parents,
to guide them through these experiences by teaching them how to deal with the
pain, and by helping rebuild their shattered psyches after each experience.
We found it was just as important to instill in them empathy
and compassion for others suffering through the same trauma. We wanted to teach
them to look less at the pain they were experiencing and more to the pain of
others who they could help. Our
belief was that our kids needed to learn how to give of their compassion,
understanding, and love in their every day lives. Here are five basic
concepts that helped us in our efforts.
1. You are a good
person. One of the most
important elements in a giving heart is a sense of self worth that enables a
person to step away from his own problems and focus on the issues of others. To
be true givers, children need to have confidence in themselves. Build their self-esteem, but not
because they might be the “prettiest,” “smartest,” “best athlete,” or “most
popular,” but rather because they are empathetic and compassionate people. If
they cry when a person they know dies or they understand the pain when a friend
gets hurt or they help a neighbor in need, it is these feelings and actions
that make them good people.
2. Discuss issues
of evil and sadness in the world.
Getting children to sit and carry on a discussion about the issues of
the day can be virtually impossible. With homework, music lessons, sports
practice, electronics, friends, and every other conceivable interference, it’s
difficult to find a moment to have a conversation other than “hi.” But it’s vital that we do. It is our
task to find those moments where we can say “Did you hear about …?” and “Do you
think there’s anything we could (or should) do about …?” We need to ask them about any sad or
evil events of which they are aware, and how they feel “we” should react.
Despite the hesitation our child may express at first, the truth is that once
we get them talking, we have moved them away from focus on self and to thoughts
about the plight of others – an essential step in imprinting the concept of
giving onto their hearts.
3. Think of
someone at school who needs help.
Encourage your child to think of someone at school who might need
empathy, compassion, or simply a friend. Suggest they look beyond their
immediate circle of friends and identify someone who might be viewed as a
“geek,” a “nerd,” an outcast. Talk to your child about how that person must
feel; try to get your child to try on that person’s shoes so that they
understand how painful that person’s experiences are. Then discuss how your
child might be able to help, even with something as simple as a kind word.
4. Talk to friends
at school about those in need.
Encourage your children to step up in their peer groups to convince
friends not to judge those previously deemed below them. “I heard his parents
can’t afford to get him good soccer shoes; maybe we can figure out a way to
help. He’s a pretty good player.” “Her mother’s been really sick. Maybe we should ask her to join us and
see if she needs help.” Or just plain, “She looks weird, I know, but she’s a
nice person, just a little shy.”
The point here is that our child steps up and gives herself
to the pain and suffering of those ridiculed by her group. Peer pressure makes
this one very difficult, and a parent’s discussion about the proper approach to
the peers is essential. It doesn’t require that your child take over the
leadership role from the “king” or “queen” of the group, but rather that she
use her subtle influence and intelligence to move the leader to compassion that
the others will follow.
5. Stand up
against injustice even if alone.
Our children know right from wrong because we have taught and continue
to teach them the difference. When they see bullying or other injustice in their
schools or other social settings, they must step up to protect the weak and
bullied.
The most difficult thing for the normal “non-leader” child
is to become visible by asserting themselves. It’s difficult because by
standing up within the group or outside the group, the child is challenging
leadership and risks becoming the butt of jokes or the one who is bullied. This
is why parental guidance in the art of subtlety within the group, and of
strength of purpose outside the group is essential. In conjunction with that
guidance, our child’s knowledge that we, as parents, have his back when he
steps up, gives him the strength he needs to stand tall.
Teaching our children to give is the essence of our duty as
parents. It’s an enormous undertaking, yet what better gift can we give our
world than a child who “gives” herself in the fight against injustice, cruelty
and inequality?
Darryl Nyznyk is a full-time storyteller and father of
four grown daughters. As a parent, he began to take a hard look at the world
around him - one of extreme political and social divisiveness – and as an
author, he wanted to share the message with the world that he had been telling
in his own home for years....a message of hope, love and faith. He is
the author of Mary’s Son: A Tale of Christmas.
Enter the Mary’s Son: A Tale of Christmas contest!
Readers: Comment on the
post with what your favorite charity is and why. Darryl will choose a grand
prize winner and match a donation of up to $100. The winner will also receive a
signed copy of Mary’s Son.
